College......finally

When he was little and I devoted countless hours of time and effort to creating interesting educational projects, I dreamed of this. When I insisted that yes, he did need to finish his math each day, I dreamed of this. When I took him on field trips to pique his interest or deepen his knowledge, I dreamed of this.

As I sat in the park every Thursday for Homeschool Park Day for all those years, I thought about this. Talking with older, more experienced homeschool moms, I thought about this. As I took workshops and courses on education, I thought about this.

Driving untold hours to fencing practice, I hoped for this. Traveling to umpteen tournaments, sometimes watching him win, but more often watching him lose, I hoped for this. Chauffeuring him to Shakespeare workshops and plays at ungodly hours, I hoped for this. Arranging a French tutor for him for French 3, I hoped for this.

Each time there was a glitch with registration for a course at CSM I ground my teeth. Seeing him procrastinate or turn in half-rate work made me worry for him. When he refused to write, I cried in my room and despaired.

As I spent who knows how many hours in front of my computer planning for his high school, I aspired to this. When I asked, begged and cajoled for him to study for the SAT tests, I aspired to this. Investigating and becoming a semi-expert at high school and college prep requirements, I aspired to this.

When he really began to think for himself, I took heart. When he told me that calculus was "juicy", I took heart. When the final SAT score results came in, I took heart. When he was thriving in the honors program at CSM, I took heart. When I knew he would be just fine no matter what happened with college acceptances, I took heart.

The months between college applications being submitted and hearing back were hard for me. I am an impatient person. And I had worked and dreamed and aspired and waited for this since he was about four years old.

I don't mean to take away from ARG's achievement - not at all. But this is my little celebration for myself. This is me rewarding myself for many years of hard work and dedication.

ACCEPTED:
UC Berkeley
UCLA
USC
Cal Poly San Luis Obispo
Santa Clara University (merit scholarship)
Whitman University (merit scholarship)

waHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Yeah, baby.

I love the Internets!

I thought I was becoming more aware and enlightened when I saw two viral videos recently. Both videos made statements about our messed up culture which I appreciated.

The first was the Dove Soap commercial - the one where women see drawings of themselves, one that is how they see themselves, and one that is how others see them.  Along with many others, I was moved and saddened to see how many women don't see their own beauty, how they carry negative ideas about themselves.

But then I read a blog responding to the Dove commercial. And it made me think about it in a whole other way. The blogger questioned the whole premise of the Dove commercial - that womens' value comes from their beauty. I couldn't agree more with the bloggers critique of our culture's obsession with image, especially women's. With my own girls I have tried to teach them that how they look is just one part of who they are. Their heart, mind and character,  how they treat others and how they respond to the world are so much more important! I do NOT want them growing up believing the message that society sends: girls are not valuable without beauty. 

The second video that made me think was the rebranding of A&F clothing stores by a guy who bought a bunch of A&F clothes at thrift stores and gave them to homeless people. I took the video as a severe critique of A&F's culture of elitism and exclusivity - especially how they won't make XL and XXL sizes for women (but they will for men). I appreciated the impulse to take something awful and try to make it into something good by giving clothes away to those in need. And I will never take my girls into that store for clothes.

Not so fast, say several rebuttals to the idea of giving douchey, date raper clothes to homeless folks. If the brand is so disgusting, so reprehensible - why are you giving these clothes to the homeless? Because they are disgusting and reprehensible too? Did you ask them if they wanted the clothes? Did you get their permission before putting them in your video? Your impulse might be good, but the strategy is offensive.

Hmmm.....I don't think I would have thought of all these angles without the blogs and online articles responding to the viral videos. And I wouldn't have thought about the issue much at all if I hadn't seen the videos in the first place!

I love the online world. There is so much freedom of expression - it's just busting out all over.

3 kids

It is a pretty strange and paradoxical feeling - wanting your oldest to rocket off into the world successfully, and the hurt in your heart because you miss him so much. My guy is so independent these days, I hardly ever talk with him. So I miss our connection. At the same time, I want him to separate and leave the nest, as is appropriate. I'm all mixed up. I want to help him, but he needs to make his own mistakes. Holding on is not an option.

I have conflicting feelings about my middle child as well. At times I swell with pride at the creative way she thinks, and how she excels at things that I can not do. Other times I wish I could figure out a way to shake off the (protective?) shield she has placed around herself. I wish I could get inside her head. Alas....not possible. She remains a bit of a mystery. She thinks like her Dad.....

Youngest child, while annoyingly talkative, is still sweet and loving. She is (I think) the most like me and we get on like a house on fire. I understand her completely, and she gets me too. We are friends. I am holding on to the last moments of her childhood as best I can, without hindering her from growing up. She loves for me to kiss her left cheek, right cheek, forehead, chin and nose each night. Sigh.....

Tea Time

Once in a while I set the table with the lacy doily and fancy china. I brew tea and set out delicious goodies. The kids and I don't just sit around the table, sip tea and nibble on treats. We read poetry too. I got the idea from a homeschool writing curriculum, Brave Writer, some years ago.

We haven't done Tea Time very regularly since ARG started spending more and more time at his classes. But once in a while when I know he'll be home, I make an effort, and we have a lovely time together.

It has been a pretty easy way to introduce all three kids to the joy of poetry. We started with lots of Shel Silverstein (Where the Sidewalk Ends) but now enjoy all types of poetry. A book of classic poems makes it easy to find good ones. I have come to especially love Dorothy Parker, a poet with a laser sharp sense of humor and keen sense of human failings (like Emily Dickenson with a laugh).

Often ARG picks depressing or military poems. Rosie is beginning to lean that way as well, but also likes the epic/tragic/romantic ones. MiniMe still goes for the animal or funny poems. I am eclectic - I like them all. Though Robert Frost is growing on me. We even find poems and songs from the literature we are reading: LOTR, Arthurian legends, even the Hunger Games books.

I like that we can talk about the words - sounds and meanings and rhythms. It has been an easy way to introduce poetic devices without using a curriculum. Tea time is my shining example of unschooling - something I do very little of - so I have to play it up.

The kids mostly like the treats, but I think a little poetry is getting in there too.

Too Much Chocolate

In my world, too much chocolate seems like an impossibility. I am a chocolate aficionado. A connoisseur. A lover of all things chocolate. Some say I have even perfected the chocolate chip cookie. I can't disagree.

But last night, I had too much chocolate. It was a desperate case; a wonderful dinner but no dessert planned. Hubby, being the gem that he is, knew I'd be desirous of something sweet and brought home two fancy, shmancy dark chocolate bars. I think one had pepper in it.

I indulged in a few pieces of each (it was late and I'd had a few glasses of wine). They were delicious and I didn't think a thing of it. But later, oh later, I paid the price.

As I was watching Mad Men with hubby, I began to feel an ache all across my chest. Then my tummy began to feel all quivery and yucky. My heart was pounding and I felt nervous for no reason. I thought I was having a heart attack!

Let me tell you, there is nothing like a heart attack (or cancer, or any serious illness) scare to put your life in perspective. It made me want to burst into each kids' room and hug and kiss and hold them. It made me want to turn off the TV. It made me want to do something important, or at least special. I remembered the donation I'd been meaning to make to a certain charity.

By the next morning I felt fine, thankfully. I learned the hard way that my (less than youthful) body can not handle that much chocolate/caffeine in the evening. But in a way I'm glad, because it made me refocus my priorities - something that I need from time to time.

The dreaded SAT

Did you know we call the SAT test in our home? The Stupid A#$ Test.

I have loathed the test and dreaded the time when my kids would have to take it for several years. It is a tricky test, as any high school student who has recently taken it will tell you.  What does it measure? Reading, writing and math skills, but mostly it measures how well one has prepared for the SAT test. Creativity in writing? Artistic inspiration? Spatial reasoning? Passion for (insert field of choice)? The SAT ignores all of them and more. It only recognizes and rewards prowess in the mechanics of language, algebra 2 level math and the ability to write a cogent, one-draft essay in 25 minutes (don't get me started on that ridiculous essay!)

The profound weight the SAT carries in college admissions, the way it reduces our children to numbers is a tragedy. What's more, good scores on the SAT and the SAT Subject Tests are the only metrics many colleges use to validate the high school learning of homeschoolers. I know there are some small, private colleges that are willing to review a homeschool portfolio - and that's great. But ARG has set his sights high - the colleges his has in mind require all the tests.

Now I will sound like a complete hypocrite when I say that I am over the roof because ARG scored so well on his test. When I saw his scores I actually jumped up and down and hooted. I've been doing little hops ever since and mini claps ever since.

It's not that I have changed my opinion of the test. I still look at the SAT as a bleepity bleepy hoop that ARG had to jump through on his way to college. It's just that he scored well enough to make him competitive for many of the colleges he is considering. To be honest, he scored way higher than he or I expected or hoped.

I confess - the part of me that has doubted and questioned and worried about whether I did a good job as a homeschool teacher feels so relieved now. I did it! I got him through the dang hoop! Is it a real measure of how smart, creative, knowledgeable and skilled he is? Not really. Is it how the world judges the abilities of high school students? Sadly, yes.

The SAT test - a huge hurdle that ARG had to leap over. He did it.

Phew......

I'm Adjusting...

It was a happy day when ARG got his driver's license.

I was especially looking forward to staying home more with the girls. For the last two and a half years I have been doing a monumental juggling act - homeschooling the girls (which actually requires one to be at home!) and driving ARG everyday to his classes at CSM and fencing lessons. It has been a struggle, to say the least, to find the chunks of time needed to do the kind of homeschooling I'm used to. In-depth science projects and reading out loud have suffered a bit in the last few years.

But that's all changing now! ARG is doing a great job of getting himself out the door, and then driving himself to and fro each day. Now I am spending entire days at home. I have time to read aloud more. Science projects are getting done. MiniMe and I are reading and writing poetry together.

Also, I have time for personal projects now. I have written more blog posts this month than I've written in a long time. Bills are no longer piling up waiting for me to get to them. I can spend time planning ARG's college visits without taking time away from the girls. I am loving it.

However, there is a downside. I haven't quite integrated the idea, "there is no car here" into my thinking. I keep making plans that require the car, without realizing that the car will not be here. A few days ago I moved a playdate for MiniMe to this afternoon. This morning, on his way out, ARG reminded me that he wouldn't be home (ie. I won't have a car) until 8:00pm. Oops. How will I get MiniMe to her playdate (which I have already moved once, and can't move again without seeming like a complete flake)? This is just one example of something that has occurred several times.

So, I am trying to adjust. I am trying to remember. I guess the price I pay for oodles of free time at home, is that my plans for outings will be a little clunky for a while. It's worth it.

Renaissance

There is something so romantic about studying the Renaissance period in history. In our homeschool studies, MiniMe and I have come to that special time in history when European philosophy, science and art burst out of their medieval bounds. Thanks to rediscovered Greco-Roman ideas, the levels of achievement and beauty attained during this amazing time reached new peaks.

I am especially enamored of the way people (OK, let's be real, mostly men) opened their minds to new ideas from every aspect of life. They weren't limited by subject or field of study. They were seeking Knowledge and Beauty and Wisdom. Artists were mathematicians. Scientists were architects. There was a freedom of thought that enabled some of the highest achievements of mankind!

Da Vinci, Copernicus, Shakespeare, Descartes, Galileo,  Michelangelo, Newton. I mean, come on! Getting to spend time learning about these guys, what made them tick, and what they created - how fun is that?

Comparing Renaissance art to medieval art is fun, hee hee!

Reading Shakespeare stories and seeing his plays leads to a lifetime of enjoyment! (I think everyone admits that the first 10-15 minutes are unintelligible. But after that, you start to sync with the language. Boy, did that guy have a bead on human nature. Plus he was hilarious!) 

Looking at the Duomo in Florence, or St. Peter's Basilica in Rome (inside and out) really make me appreciate how much the Greeks have influenced architecture.

When I get a glimpse into the world changing ideas of Copernicus, Galileo and Newton, I see the roots of all modern science.

Understanding just a little bit about the Renaissance makes me feel connected to people who were and are interested in the progress of humankind. Plus, it gives me a great reason to travel to Florence! That trip is way up there on my bucket list.

We Told You So

I was glad to see this article in HuffPo featuring GOP lawmakers who opposed the Iraq war ten years ago. In a time when war fever was upon the country, opposing the invasion was a lonely position. I was glad to stand in solidarity with the few brave politicians who were willing to incur the wrath of, well, just about everyone, for opposing the Bush administration.

Marching in San Francisco with over a million other anti-war folks was a great experience for me. My six year old son walked alongside his stroller-bound little sister. We saw normal people, and (well it is San Francisco after all) crazy people in the march. The peak moment for me was when someone shouted, "Sue! Sue!" and I turned to see my midwife marching and waving a ways behind us. It was empowering to know so many people thought the war was a bad idea too.

I was convinced my country was making a disastrous decision, and wondered what the Founding Fathers would have to say about it (me being a history major and all). I began a Constitution study group with five other homeschool moms, which met weekly for months, and then monthly for almost two years.

We began with the English constitution, as it applied to the American reasons for revolution. Then came reading and discussing the Virginia Resolves, the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Federalist and Anti Federalist papers, seminal Supreme Court rulings, and the writings of many of the Founders. The result of all of our study led (with the help of a very bright friend who had already considered these issues) us to two pertinent questions:

    - What are inalienable human rights?
    - What is the role of government?
    - Why was Patrick Henry so awesome?

The answers I found were:
     - Inalienable rights are life, liberty and property.
     - The role of government is to protect individual human rights.
     - It might have something to do with his uncle being an Anglican minister, though I've not found an adequate answer for this question.

These conclusions did not provide an answer, to my mind, to every single  problem existing in the world today. They certainly are not popular or widespread in the world today. But in terms of the relationship between individuals and the state, they make sense to me. Because if a government doesn't protect your rights, or worse, violates your rights - why have a government at all?

All that is to say I converted from being a Green Party member to a Libertarian. And I decided that I was right to oppose the American invasion of Iraq - they were not violating the rights of Americans, and they did not pose a threat to American rights ( as much as the Bush administration wanted us to believe otherwise). An invasion of Iraq was imperialism - an attempt (probably not successful) to install a democratic, stable, friendly government in the Middle East for economic and political reasons.

So I'm glad to see even a little media attention for the folks who stood up to power and opposed the drums of war ten years ago.  They were right.

Golden Poppy

A few years ago I was walking alone in the Montara valley, when I saw a golden poppy. Just one lusciously golden and orange beauty standing alone on a hillside, amidst the dirt and rocks. That poppy meant a lot to me.

I had been crying and praying and hurting more than I ever had before as I walked down that hill. My life was in crisis and I was spiraling into despair. I prayed angrily and desperately. I was asking for help, for a sign, for anything to keep my fingertip hold on hope for my life.

That's when I saw it. A sentinel of beauty and, for me, hope standing alone on the hillside. I felt like it was shouting out to get my attention. I walk these hills often and pass by the loveliness around me without a glance when I'm thinking hard. But this time I stopped and stared at the flower. My field of vision was 99% dirt, rocks, 1% beautiful California Golden Poppy. It felt like God was saying, "I'm here. You are not alone as you walk through this landscape of pain and confusion."

Needless to say, I cried. A lot. But the tears had a different quality now - a bit of relief and sadness had crept in amongst the feelings. It was not all overwhelming pain anymore. It is surprising how God works sometimes.

Yesterday I took the same walk and saw a single poppy again, on the same hillside. I stopped and remembered and cried a little. The feelings came and went in a breath or two. How grateful I am to remember, but also to realize that I feel so much better about my life now. My heart squeezes a bit everytime I see golden poppies now, but especially when I see one glorious bloom standing alone. 

Ladeeeeez!

It is not too often that I get to escape and be just  "Sue" (not Mom or honey). Next weekend I get to do just that! Two nights in San Diego with the Gleeson ladies - WOOT!

This time we are keeping it low-key and, hopefully, low-cost. Instead of flying to NYC for five nights at the Hilton at Central Park, two of us are flying and the rest are driving to my SIL's house for a weekend of sisterly festivities.

To fly away for a weekend (on Virgin - yay!) of adult, female fun is a fantasy come true. No dishes, no laundry, no school work is just the obvious part of the fun. Hanging with the sistas, talking, laughing, eating, drinking, dancing are what make our getaways such a treat! We can only do that together - even if I had another group of girlfriends with whom to whoop it up, it's not the same as family.

Now I wouldn't be honest if I didn't acknowledge that a few quirks and foibles can arise when the Gleeson ladies are together. Eyebrows are occasionally raised. But the family love, and our commitment to having a great time, help us smooth over the bumps.

Also, I have created an awesome disco playlist so we can get down and get funky. Frankly, I find dancing in a private space with the sistas much more enjoyable than at a club where we are a.) cougars or b.) fresh meat. I might not get my way on this - some SILs have a strong desire to boogie in public. Either way I'll get to dance, so I'm not complaining.

So here's to celebration time with the ladeeeeez!

Online Learning

My curiosity about online learning started years ago as I searched for computer based courses my kids could take that would, ahem, remove me from the "homeschool teacher" position and put me in the "cheerleader" position. Over the years my kids have taken just about every kind of class online: writing, math, computer science, history. We have been more than pleased with some courses, and bitterly disappointed at some (supposedly "gifted" courses offered by elite universities).

Online courses allowed me to stay sane during my kids' preteen years when they were physiologically incapable of valuing most anything I said. They have introduced my homeschooled kids to adults who are passionate about their field of study, adults who expect them to work hard and learn (yay!), and subject matter that I could never have offered. With the exception of a few stinkers, I can say that online courses have added tons of value to our homeschool experience. At times, they were like a pressure valve in the homeschool mom/teen relationship.

Today, my curiosity about online learning is piqued even more because Hubby just got a job working at an online, accredited university. A reasonably priced university that can deliver an accredited degree has the potential to be an incredible leveling force in our society! The huge expense of a brick and mortar university is just plain out of reach for most people. Yes, there is a growing amount of need based aid offered to college students. But from what I read lately, student loans continue to grow (and default rates are going up). Online college courses definitely make sense from an economic point of view.

Also, the concept of "how school is done" has been turned on it's head by people like Sal Khan of the Khan Academy. He opened my eyes to the idea of using class time for experiential learning, not lectures.  If the course material can be delivered via pre-recorded video/online lectures, class time can be utilized for discussion, experiments, problem solving and more. All kinds of studies have shown that real learning, the kind that sticks long term, takes place when there is an emotion or experience connected with the subject matter. If our goal is real, integrated learning for students, video based lectures, and in-classroom activities seems the way to go.

While I'm pretty gung-ho about online learning, I have questions about its limitations. Reading text, doing exercises and writing online can be a pretty isolated, impersonal experience. It's fine for motivated, do-it-yourselfers who want to achieve. But reluctant or ambivalent students can find the experience dull and lonely. Many of the online courses I've seen lack that spark an engaged teacher can bring to the learning experience in a classroom. Also, when the student only interacts with software (math mostly) it is bo-ring. In general, students can too easily get lost and disengage from the learning process with online learning.

That said, I am still intrigued by the possibilities of successful online learning. My children have been inspired and have learned a LOT from classes in which the teacher was excited, and showed personal interest in each student. The ability to reach students (all over the world!) who have little or no access to quality education is exciting. With the public schools mostly failing, and college expenses rising, I see the online modality as the wave of the future. I am curious about the possibilities.

Why I believe - Part 2

Soon after college I was married to a Catholic man.  I agreed to be married in the Church and found the priests to be quite open-minded and accommodating to my differences in belief. Later, I investigated converting to Catholicism out of a desire to be on the same page with my husband. I found, at the end of the conversion process, that I could not agree to the oath that was required, mostly because I did not believe in the infallibility of the Pope. At this time of life, spiritual matters were not a primary concern for me. I was very busy adjusting to marriage, then birthing and raising babies.

It was a personal crisis that led me into investigating healing modalities based on other religious beliefs. I learned about Hinduism, Buddhism, Native American beliefs, paganism, shamanism, Goddess religions. There were many, many interesting and helpful aspects to each spiritual practice I explored. I  also saw disturbing and, I felt, dangerous spiritual interactions engaged in by people who did not really know what they were about. But throughout, I felt a yearning in my heart for Jesus. It was darned inconvenient because not only were all my friends at the time very "New Age-y", I did not want to have to grapple with the bible.

I can not prove my experiences, I can only share them. What I know is that a feeling and a thought that felt deeper and somehow, from the inside, repeatedly came over me: seek Jesus. Believe me, I resisted for a good while. I was afraid of what seeking Jesus would bring. But the thoughts and feelings would not go away.

When I agreed in my heart to re-dedicate myself to following Jesus, it was not a shooting star moment. It was more of a gradual softening of my heart. An engagement with Him that both changed my priorities and values, humbled me, and excited me. I lost interest in parts of my life that were not in alignment with being a Christ follower.

In the ensuing years I was overwhelmed by grace while at the same time troubled by doubts. I have lived with a strange tension between belief and doubt since then. There have been many moments when prayerful reading of scripture has brought me deep comfort and understanding. I have experienced the deepest inner peace during times of prayer and worship. But I continue to struggle sometimes with scripture - when I read things and just feel inside, "What? That can't be right...." And yet, many times those feelings have been allayed through further research into the context and different interpretations of the text.

I suppose my faith is pragmatic - it works for me.  From what I can tell, I am not the typical "Christian". Honestly I am often disgusted by the actions of "Christians" who are hateful, bigoted or ignorant. I like the term Christ-follower better. I love that Jesus said the most important commandment is

 "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

I can get behind that.

Why I believe - Part 1

I grew up going to church with my family. We were not very regular in our attendance, especially after my older brothers rebelled in high school and refused to go. I remember eating nuts and raisins out of dixie cups (I think it was supposed to be like the food the Jews ate?). I loved Palm Sunday when the whole church gathered outside, each of us carrying a palm leaf, shouting "Hosanna!" while a silent man rode through the crowd on a donkey. Oh, how I wanted to touch that donkey. Easter Sunday, when we arrived at church before dawn, and sang and prayed through the sunrise was magically beautiful.

As a teen, my swim coach, a strong, loving man, invited me and few other teammates to a bible study before practice. It was the first time that I began to have a relationship with stories in the bible. I remember thinking, "So that's what that means?" That stories could have layers of meaning intrigued me. That the bible provided guidance for life was reassuring, though challenging. I had not received intentional/deliberate character training before, other than to be nice to others and work hard.

Alone in my bedroom one day, I pondered Jesus and the lessons I was learning while I put away my laundry. It was a distinctly unimportant moment in my daily life, but turned out to be perhaps the most important moment of my life. The question, "why not give my life to Jesus?" was not just a mental thought, but a physical sensation flooding my body and setting my heart beating. I felt conviction deep into my bones that I was being called to Him. I decided then and there to do it. I closed my eyes and prayed, asking Jesus into my heart, as simple as that. I credit that moment with saving my soul.

Though out high school I was a moderately dedicated Christian, though I attended church but seldom, and was often involved in behavior quite unbecoming (as teens are wont to do). I am grateful for the leaders of the few teen bible study groups I attended, for those teaching were a lifeboat to me. Yet, I drifted spiritually for some time, with no anchor or roots to steady me.

College was a spiritually raucous time. I attended a small, private Jesuit university (chosen more for it's closeness to Grateful Dead concerts than for it's academia or spiritual teachings). Several pivitol experiences changed me there.

In my dorm, a priest whose name I sadly cannot recall, was stationed to provide spiritual assistance to those crazy underclassmen who might want it. I went to see him often, peppering him with questions about the bible and theology. He did not get angry when I vented about the sexism of Paul, or my confusion over contradictory verses in the bible. Unfailingly patient and kind to me, he shared with me his beliefs on God and the bible and how to apply them to life.  I loved that man intensely, though I was only conscious of a friendly affection at the time.

During this time, I began to feel a presence, a weight on me when I slept at night. I felt smothered, pushed down in a physical and spiritual way. The heaviness would push and push until I woke up full of fear. At times, I would hear breathing behind me as I walked. If I stopped and listened hard, it would stop, only to begin again as I walked on. I was frightened. I was not the type to imagine things. This went on for perhaps six months. I shared my troubles with my friend, the priest, and he counseled me to pray, which I did. Nothing happened and I grew frustrated and scared. Finally, while feeling the pushing presence one night, I gave in and stopped fighting it, praying that God would protect me. As soon as I stopped resisting, the pushing ceased, never to return again. The whole experience was just, plain weird. I can not explain it. But it convinced me further that there is indeed a spiritual world at work in our physical world, and that there are things we don't understand.

Kids

When ARG was born, I held him and cried while listening to Tchaikovsky's Pas de Duex for the first time. I cried because of the intense beauty of the song, and for me it represented all of the joy and beauty my child would experience in his life. I also cried because I knew with certainty that he would also feel pain and sorrow in life. But mostly I cried because I knew I would not, could not, be a perfect mother, and that I would hurt him, and share my flaws with him.

Well, I was right. Probably one of the most uncomfortable parts of watching my kids grow, has been seeing my flaws and "issues" emerge in them. Of course I tried my best to shield them, to be a "better person" for them. For a while when they were little, cuddly, huggy balls of love I even forgot about many of my difficulties, being so wrapped up in them. But as they grow older, I am often irked or upset to see one of them acting out in a way that mirrors my own imperfections. It's pretty hard to not feel guilty about it.

A questioning, critical way of looking at the world has served me well, but has sometimes led me to feel dissatisfied - because nothing is perfect. I am sad when I see this in my kids, because I only want them to be happy. A desire to get to the truth is admirable, right? But the flip side is a self-righteousness, superior attitude. I didn't become aware that I might be that way, until I saw it in one of my darlings. Bucking the "normal" way of doing things, being a bit of a rebel has been a lifelong habit with me. I've been mostly OK with it, but I see now that that outlook has sometimes put my kids into isolated, challenging positions. Worst, I tend toward a depressive and anxious personality, and I'm telling you it is a bummer to see your beloved children suffer the same feelings.

To be fair, my kids also got some awesome parts of me. My sense of humor, my independence of thought and action, my geekiness. There are probably other things, but that would be bragging. And of course, each one of them is mostly his or her own person - not just replicas of my trials and triumphs. This is made obvious by how incredibly different they are from each other.

Still, seeing one of them act lame or feel unhappy in the same way I do, is a bitter pill for this mom to swallow.

Values

While reading about college application essays, I began to wonder how my children would answer the question, "What are your core values?" I pondered especially whether I have been doing enough to share my own values in a deliberate way with them.

What exactly are my core values? Do I prioritize one over others? How can I share, and hopefully imbue, my children with them?

When I asked, ARG said that his top values (at least the ones that came to his mind) were: honesty, thinking for yourself, and diligence. Hmmmm. Those are pretty good ones. But there are a few others that matter a lot to me:

LOVING KINDNESS: Jesus said, "A new command I give to you, love one another." He didn't request, or suggest. He commanded that we love each other, if we are to truly be His followers. It is certainly not a value I have successfully embodied all of my life. But like a lodestar, it guides me, is something I always strive towards. And really, the alternative is too ugly and awful to consider embracing. So putting love as a top priority in life makes sense to me.

GRATITUDE: This is a value that I struggle to cultivate, and that is probably why I don't really see it reflected in my kids. In my head, I know I am incredibly privileged and blessed in my life. My husband has a decent job, my kids are healthy and mostly happy, we have a good home...etc. But getting caught up in the drama and challenges of daily life keeps me from feeling grateful often. So, while I can't say that I've fully brought gratitude into my life, I believe that a spirit of thankfulness can make me feel happy, and enables me to shift focus from myself to others.

COMPASSION: I remember marvelling once that people in Central America, who were starving and suffering under violently repressive regimes, could look up in the sky and see the same moon that I beheld. It felt like a distant, yet elemental connection between us. My heart hurt for them. Today, I try to be more compassionate to everyone I encounter, including myself. I remind myself that everyone is doing their best, and everyone makes mistakes, including myself. Getting into someone else's shoes doesn't feel easy or natural, but is essential to any understanding their perspective. And compassion is a motivator - for behavior and actions that can make a big difference for good in others' lives.

INTEGRITY: Walk your talk. The dictionary defines integrity as "adherence to moral and ethical principles". For me it means doing what you know to be right, even when it feels really bad. It might be one of the hardest values to embody consistently, because I am always making mistakes. But I think of it as deciding to obey the little voice inside (is it conscience? is it God's spirit in me?) even when that voice makes me so mad! Even when I want to stomp on the voice and tell it where to go. When I do choose to walk my talk I feel every so much better - afterwards.  Seems to me that lack of integrity is the cause of a whole lot of the problems in our world.

INTELLECTUAL INDEPENDENCE:  God gave me a mind - I should use it! Allowing other people to fill my mind with beliefs, opinions or ideas that I haven't vetted is lazy at best, damning at worst. The hard part about this value is that thinking is hard work. And what's more, communicating and defending your thoughts and beliefs to others is even harder! But I have found way too many times that going with the flow, and doing/thinking/believing the same things as everyone else, doesn't sync with what I know and what I believe. Homebirth and homeschooling are two big ways I have put thinking for myself into action.

I agree with ARG about honesty and diligence. If you can't trust your friends and family, how depressing. And hard work is just plain necessary to be successful in live. Darn. 

Hopefully, I am in a better position to talk about my values with my kids. If I can just find a way to share that will actually get in their crazy heads and stay there! And maybe, just maybe, some of these values will settle all the way down into their hearts.

paradox

I watched a very cool video by a guy, Charlie Kauffman, called "What I have to offer". You can check it out here

It reminded me about the precious, vulnerable part inside each one of us that is truly unique. When we share it, we feel exposed. We tend to hide it, forget about it, dance around it, or choose to not explore it. But it is the special thing about us that will only see the light of day on this earth if we share it.

While talking with some friends about blogging today, I remembered why I haven't written much lately. I don't know if it is the "special" part of me, or just the strange problems that can arise when you write about yourself in the public arena - but I stopped wanting to share unless it was real. Authentic. Meaningful. 

Yet I felt so overexposed.

I often struggle with balancing my authentic self while not hurting, offending or driving folks away. Something about my demeanor? My face? My height? Not exactly sure why, but people often feel intimidated around me. So I work on being extra friendly, unoffensive and caring. The tightrope act can take me from being super, sickly sweet, to giving up and just being mostly silent. 

It hurts to think that many people do not like my true, authentic self. I don't know if it is true, or if I am crazy to think it. But I'm guessing that fear keeps me from expressing that precious, vulnerable "something" inside. The spark of God. The thing that is truly great about me. 

Tolkein

As I get older, and life gets harder, I am always on the lookout for things that lift my spirits. A few things I've found so far include: margaritas, playing with Lucy the dog, Project Runway (season 10 starts this week!), cuddling with my youngest and baking, to name a few.

But recently I (re)discovered a gem that makes me happy and makes me think: J.R.R. Tolkein. I began reading The Fellowship of the Rings to my girls this week and found myself chuckling as I read. Seeing Rosie laugh out loud every time Tolkein describes the hobbits' love of eating is such a pleasure. Explaining "big words" to Julia makes me feel like I'm giving her something good. Talking about the story together, laughing when Julia calls something "my precious", and just plain appreciating the mastery of Tolkein's writing have added a little bit of joy to my life. And we're only on chapter 2!

Neurotic

I don't mean to be neurotic. I am even aware that I obsess and fret over things I can't control. But when my kids are involved I can't seem to turn off the part of me that wants to make it all right (and won't stop thinking, calculating, planning and plotting until problems are resolved).

The impossible part is that in real life, problems aren't always resolved quickly, decisively and unmessily. So I stew, and worry, and lose sleep, and get tummy aches. It's no fun. And I don't feel hopeful that it will go away or get better any time soon. I've been to counselors - and ultimately counselors can listen to your story, probe for underlying causes and offer tips and tools. I've been through that. I understand my past. I've tried the tools. And here I am.

My son is going through an especially hard time. He is confronting big life challenges with repurcussions that he will live with forever. Hubby and I are walking the tight rope of allowing ARG to make choices, while insisting that we will only financially support the ones that make sense to us. Possibly it will end up going right. But not for weeks, or months.

In the meantime, I am stuck with yucky feelings and an inability to think of anything else. That of course leads me down the rabbit hole into my own personal challenges: lack of career, spiritual valley, pessimistic/depressed outlook. I need something to fill up my time and energy. Something really engaging and fulfilling. But (spin, spin, spin) I can't do much as I am still homeschooling the kids. My ability to make a big time commitment is limited - which rules out many things I have been dreaming of.

Yeah, I'm having a real pity party here.

Which leads me to the reflection that our society does not make much room for people who are depressed or sad. Where can one go with those kinds of feelings? An honest answer to "How are you?" is not really wanted. People only brag or write about politics, kids or vacations on Facebook. And I feel this cultural pressure to "Be Happy!" "Enjoy your life!" "Live in the Moment!" Am I failing at life because I can't seem to generate the happy feelings very much? Seriously. Am I?

Keeping School Simple

I just read this blog post about homeschooling, and how we should keep things simple. The gist of it is that as long as your kids are reading or hearing great literature and doing math once a week, they'll be fine (ie. get into college and survive in the world).

I understand that the move to "keep school simple" is a response to the busy, stressful way a lot of homeschool parents educate their kids. Parents overburden themselves and their kids with too many assignments, tests, activities...etc. The terrible responsibility of educating your child, the fears of not doing a good enough job, not to mention the plethora of intense homeschool plans (Well Trained Mind anyone?) can lead a parent to compensate by becoming an overachiever.

One thing I have learned after homeschooling for eleven years is that educating your children at home is a monumental balancing act. It is alluring to believe that "one way" is the right way for your family, and that you'll stick to it forever. But the truth is that there are so many factors, so many considerations that a homeschool parent can't afford to rigidly adhere to any one approach, whether it is "keeping school simple" or otherwise.

I have had to flex and adjust my teaching approach several times over the years. I still question and doubt and change the way I homeschool.  One of the first (and most important) lessons I learned was that, as the teacher and mom of the family, my needs were just as important as the kids'. I was intensely uncomfortable when I tried the "unschooling" approach in the grade school years, and for right or wrong, I had to change things up. You know what they say, "if Mama ain't happy...." Learning to balance assignments with free exploration time was hard, and at times clunky. But I valued my feelings enough to craft an approach that didn't drive me crazy, but was still a stretch.

Another reality I've had to face is that (unfortunately) standardized tests such as the SAT/ACT and Subject Tests are especially critical for homeschooled students who plan to attend a four year university. At the high school level, a student must be able to write well, have a deep understanding language, have a good grasp of advanced math, and thoroughly know the specific subject material studied (eg. history, chemistry).

Let's face it, what child will spontaneously discover how to write a well organized, interesting five paragraph essay? And doing math once a week will not give a student adequate mastery to test well. The truth is, at the high school level, students must be prepared and able to study rigorously, even if they don't love the subject. With that in mind, it is unfair to allow a child complete academic freedom with no requirements prior to high school.

Also, I don't agree with "Keep it Simple's" assertion that everything a children learns before 7th grade will be forgotten. If a subject is taught once, and never seen again, then I agree the child probably won't retain it. But with cyclical repetition of subject matter, even if done casually and in a fun way, students do learn and retain knowledge. Keeping subjects to a minimum in the early years makes repeating them easy.

That said, I agree that early grade school children should learn mostly through play or pleasant experiences. An atmostphere of fun and creativity goes far in fostering a love of learning.  At this age, I think "Keeping it Simple" applies beautifully. If young homeschool parents realized what was ahead of them, they would relax and cherish the special times with their young students.

But it is unrealistic to think that students will be prepared for high school, and later, college level work if they have never been required to learn and work at tasks and subjects that are difficult. Thankfully, by high school, most students are mature enough to realize that their future depends upon their education, and are willing to do the work (though perhaps not joyously).

In the end, homeschooling through the years is a lot like yoga. It takes a lot of balancing and stretching! We balance joyful learning and required learning, our kids' needs and our own, our aspirations and our fears. We stretch into approaches that are uncomfortable, while remembering to value our own feelings. Figuring out the balance that works is the trick, and is unique to each family.