Friday, July 13, 2012


I don't mean to be neurotic. I am even aware that I obsess and fret over things I can't control. But when my kids are involved I can't seem to turn off the part of me that wants to make it all right (and won't stop thinking, calculating, planning and plotting until problems are resolved).

The impossible part is that in real life, problems aren't always resolved quickly, decisively and unmessily. So I stew, and worry, and lose sleep, and get tummy aches. It's no fun. And I don't feel hopeful that it will go away or get better any time soon. I've been to counselors - and ultimately counselors can listen to your story, probe for underlying causes and offer tips and tools. I've been through that. I understand my past. I've tried the tools. And here I am.

My son is going through an especially hard time. He is confronting big life challenges with repurcussions that he will live with forever. Hubby and I are walking the tight rope of allowing ARG to make choices, while insisting that we will only financially support the ones that make sense to us. Possibly it will end up going right. But not for weeks, or months.

In the meantime, I am stuck with yucky feelings and an inability to think of anything else. That of course leads me down the rabbit hole into my own personal challenges: lack of career, spiritual valley, pessimistic/depressed outlook. I need something to fill up my time and energy. Something really engaging and fulfilling. But (spin, spin, spin) I can't do much as I am still homeschooling the kids. My ability to make a big time commitment is limited - which rules out many things I have been dreaming of.

Yeah, I'm having a real pity party here.

Which leads me to the reflection that our society does not make much room for people who are depressed or sad. Where can one go with those kinds of feelings? An honest answer to "How are you?" is not really wanted. People only brag or write about politics, kids or vacations on Facebook. And I feel this cultural pressure to "Be Happy!" "Enjoy your life!" "Live in the Moment!" Am I failing at life because I can't seem to generate the happy feelings very much? Seriously. Am I?