paradox

I watched a very cool video by a guy, Charlie Kauffman, called "What I have to offer". You can check it out here

It reminded me about the precious, vulnerable part inside each one of us that is truly unique. When we share it, we feel exposed. We tend to hide it, forget about it, dance around it, or choose to not explore it. But it is the special thing about us that will only see the light of day on this earth if we share it.

While talking with some friends about blogging today, I remembered why I haven't written much lately. I don't know if it is the "special" part of me, or just the strange problems that can arise when you write about yourself in the public arena - but I stopped wanting to share unless it was real. Authentic. Meaningful. 

Yet I felt so overexposed.

I often struggle with balancing my authentic self while not hurting, offending or driving folks away. Something about my demeanor? My face? My height? Not exactly sure why, but people often feel intimidated around me. So I work on being extra friendly, unoffensive and caring. The tightrope act can take me from being super, sickly sweet, to giving up and just being mostly silent. 

It hurts to think that many people do not like my true, authentic self. I don't know if it is true, or if I am crazy to think it. But I'm guessing that fear keeps me from expressing that precious, vulnerable "something" inside. The spark of God. The thing that is truly great about me.