Monday, April 9, 2007

New Territory

I can't write about my grandma's death process yet. Maybe someday, maybe never.

But I can write what the first day is like. The first day when I am alive and she is dead.

Yesterday she was breathing. Yesterday I held her hand. Today I unexpectedly and spontaneously cry for 20 seconds and then stop. The sorrow sweeps over me and then leaves.

Little reminders pop up. I called my uncle this morning and saw her name above his in my address book. I opened the drawer to find a pie cutter tonight and there was the one she made for me. My kids were laughing about how Wile E. Coyote never gives up trying to catch Road Runner. "In real life he'd die of starvation" I said. My grandma hadn't eaten for weeks.

It is hard to adjust to the reality that someone who has been there your whole life is gone. Strange and new territory for me. A friend who lost her mom once told me she was afraid if she didn't feel the pain over her death she'd lose closeness with her mom. Now I know what she meant.